I confused with the world. I'm not gonna lie. I dunno about how I feel about God or religion. I'm not particularly religious. But I'm not gonna rule belief out completely.
I recently prayed that God would give me the support to get through some of the shit I'm getting through. I know I'll find a solution myself and I think it'd be cheeky to just ask for a solution. I KNOW I'll work it out. I just don't wanna lose my mind in the process. Thing is usually I'll pray for the usual that I was taught to pray for (bless my Nan)
- good health
- good education
- and a general blessing.
But this time I think it worked. But I don't think it's worked. I've had to deal with a lot in the past year. I think I was depressed at one point. I'd not wanna leave my room. I'd hate looking at myself in the mirror. I'd make up excuses not to do things with "friends". Now I really hate people who make up their own mental illnesses and I can't say I was ACTUALLY depressed. But I must admit I think I was a teeny bit. I'd sit around and smoke whole packets of cigarettes. They'd make me feel even worse and I wouldn't enjoy them but I did it anyway. I got stuck in a rut. That my friends, is my biggest fear. Once you're in a rut it seems impossible to get out. How you got into it and why you can't get out are questions you can answer til you realise you actually can't because there's no logic to your actions anymore.
I can't be in this rut right now. That's why I'm writing this. So I can bring some logic back into the equation. I think when emotions are running high you don't think straight at all. I've had these sudden attacks of rage. And they've only been for people I really care for or REALLY REALLY despise.
I'm taking the advice I've been give about both these sets of people. I'm gonna have to let things go. It's funny. I'm letting things go with the people I hate because being angry with them is not good for me. But I'm letting go of things with the people I love because it's not good for them.
I probably take a lot out on my family and friends. There have been times where I've been really vicious towards them, which I am embarrassed about. Also there are times where I've been really amazing to the people who least deserved it in their lives. I know they didn't deserve it now because if they had an ounce of real decency things wouldn't have turned out the way they have. I can just let them go on about their lives hoping that someone one day will come and pop their bubbles.
But yeah back to my prayers and what not. The last few days have been full of people telling me how amazing I am. If you know me personally you'll know of my arrogance. When I flounce about proclaiming to the world that I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
Or chaat masala
Or N-dubz
Or Marilyn Manson.
I know you're loving that ladies.
I'VE GONE OFF TRACK.
Long story short = it's ironic that my friends have been telling me how amazing I am out of the blue and my mum's ripping the piss
This is sorta more for me to remember stuff years from now and as "pick me up" so I'm going to copy and paste all the nice shit here.
You ready?
GO!
"I love u baby. I miss talking about ur boobs 24/7 and touching them......I miss waking up to find ur legs poking out of my cupboard.....I miss shouting at u when u wouldn't let me get any fucking sleep or work done....sleep is overrated anywayy....I miss banishing u from my room....and how every night u'd say fine....ur not gonna see me now...I mean it.....and I’d still wake up to the sound of ur chatter and cigarette smoke..... I miss making u laugh...but not making u cry.....I miss how protective u were of me when it came to boys....I miss the hundreds of sambuca shots...yumyumm.....I miss finding ur sexy lingerie and half ur wardrobe in my room and threatening to chuck it all away...I miss and love how u came all the way to Heathrow to see me off despite the transport strike!...I miss how u always cared so much about wht I thoughttt....and ur right...I miss the non stop banter and ur stories even if I had to hear them ten times over!....I miss hearing ur daily mantra of...oo I’m shaz....I’m sexy...I’m gorgeous....my boobs are lush....u know u want me! because ur right....u r and I do!.... "
"I love your face
I love your boobs
I love your curly hair
I love your legs (espesh in those wedges ;) )
I love your smile
I love your eyes
I love your mass texts
I love it when you sleep on desks
I love youuuuuuuuu
the END."
the word "AMAZING" was used by a certain someone. what's wrong with me I should be jumping up and down with excitement. but I’m more MEH! about it.
AND I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE MEH!
