About Me

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LDN, United Kingdom
I am Shaz. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it. I am a part time freak and full time retard. I also do some casual work as a skank and I volunteer as your mother. NICE TO MEET YOU! Welcome to the biggest rant factory in the history of the internet. I've got more apathy than the entire emo population of the world combined. Only kidding. I'm real nice

Friday, 21 October 2011

Just one of them weeks.

And so it is.. Life. Shit happens right.

It's just a week of total crap being thrown my way..
There's little things that piss me off. And huge things. It's when everything comes together you just wanna punch life in the face.

Or sisters before misters in this case.
Why do girls do it? So many of them do it. A guy will come along and BAM, the world goes out of the window. Not all of us do. I always thought I was surrounded by people who are better than that. And a lot are. But there's always that one who will come along and shake things up. It's not to say that things are ruined. Just messy. I feel silly for being so pissed off with the whole being blown out thing. To be honest I think my pride was hurt at the time. And can you blame me? Having someone tell you repeatedly that they miss you and wanna meet up with you to be blown off for a guy? Not even ANY prior notice. Like literally walking out. I don't know why I was so upset by the whole thing for SO LONG. I mean yeah of course you'll initially be pissed off. It took a stupidly long time to get over this. Now with the help of a beautiful man - every woman needs one - I understand that people are crap. They will paint over cracks. They don't change. They're not always grateful.

Then I have a friend who has travelled thousands of miles all the way to London. I haven't seen her in 3 years. She doesn't want to see me. Why? Because I didn't reply to a message. Now I'm not gonna lie. This hurt me. I don't wanna admit that but it did. I am now gonna sound like a complete bitch. I did a lot for her. I know I did. And I do for a lot of people. I'm not a saint in any way. I'm not even that great. I just always get shat on by people because I'm either being too nice or too stupid, probably the latter.

Definately the latter. My mother was right. Don't tell her.

I get attached to my friends. I'm allowed to right? But sometimes I pick really shit ones that look good. And then when they hurt me. I'm real hurt.

Will it ever end? Who knows.

I'm just grateful that some of these rocks I find are actual gems.



Sunday, 9 October 2011

It seems to me everyone else has a family to support them no matter what their dreams and aspirations may be. My family like to throw dirt in my face and then tell me it my own fault.

It seems to me everyone else has a family to support them no matter
what their dreams and aspirations may be. My family like to throw dirt
in my face and then tell me it my own fault.

To put it simply it's the projection of their own petty insecurities.

But it's just horrible. Right now all I want is to finish my degree,
get into employment and then start working towards my main goal. To
own my own house.

In the last few weeks I've had so much shit from those closest to me.
And I don't wanna even try to justify their actions. 'Cause there is
no justification. My brother telling me I'm a failure cause I dropped
out of my previous course?

Seemingly EVERYONE telling me I won't be able to buy my own place.

And then blaming it on my excessive spending.

I did have a problem. I admit that. But I've learnt from my mistakes.

And there's only one thing that makes me slip up again in that sense
anyway. It's how I look. As vain as I sound it's the truth. How is it
my friends can tell me I look beautiful, stunning and so on when my
own family seem hell bent on reminding me I'm fat and dress like a
tart. Being paranoid that people are laughing at you behind your back
look at the fat girl with the messy bush of hair and too much make up
on - that's not pretty.

Still told I'm a failure. Still not taken seriously. Belittled at
every opportunity. I just feel like a joke and I think I'm slowly but
surely becoming one. God some days I feel so so so shit, I stop caring
about anything.

The only thing you can be glad for at times like these are the arms of
someone who loves you. I'm a lucky girl in an unfortunate situation.
Fortuately, nothing is forever.