About Me

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LDN, United Kingdom
I am Shaz. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it. I am a part time freak and full time retard. I also do some casual work as a skank and I volunteer as your mother. NICE TO MEET YOU! Welcome to the biggest rant factory in the history of the internet. I've got more apathy than the entire emo population of the world combined. Only kidding. I'm real nice

Sunday, 19 February 2012

I'm so shit at this - I needed inspiration from my own Facebook statuses. But this one is for Victoria Agu AKA Chi Chi because well she requested one and frankly I'd rather write this than read for my seminar. LEGGO.

Feeling particularly impressed with myself after catching a cashew nut between my legs. THIGHS SHOULD TOUCH.

It's just practical.
Having said that I feel I am getting crazy fat now. Like before when I was a size 12 all I would get is “Saalene… Why you so fat huh? You’ll never get a decent husband if you are fat.” Because in brown people circles the intellect, earnings per annum after tax and likelihood of decent hair in a future spouse is dependant on the size of your waist. But now at a not so atrocious size 18 – 16 – 18 – 20 I feel that I need to at least lose a little bit of belly. For my own sake. The boobs can stay and well the bum is not all that impressive so we’ll just ignore it but the belly. Oh the belly. It needs to go and I need to push it.


"I can jump start a car. I am very proud of this fact and will tell anyone who will give me an opportunity to"
I mean it. I'm just taking this as another oppurunity to announce it to the world. And where better than the world wide web. By the by I can jump start a car. But I cannot drive one. This is anopther point I feel I should make very clear...


"So are you a leg, bum or boob guy?"
"Actually don't answer that. Do I LOOK like a bucket of KFC?"

I don't get it. I've had many an arguement with guys about this oh prestigious of questions. I mean there was one occasion where I aaked one of the guys from uni whether he preferred larger breasts on his women, a shapely behind or whether he prefers ladies with lovely legs. He couldn't answer. He was adamant he wanted both. He's also adamant that the only girl is some actress or musician who I regret to say I can't remember. Well I wasnt really listening at this point. I mean you try listening to someone who doesn't understand the meaning of the word PREFER I will never understand people like that. Why do they go out of their way to avoid answering such a flippant question. You could say it's the objectification of women but ladies don't act like you don't do the same with men. It's a two way street. By the way my answer is bum. I aspire to have a big ol' booty someday. Maybe when I can afford to get that lipo I want so much and then pay them to REINSERT that fat back in my bum bum. I'M ALL ABOUT RECYCLING>


I can't believe this is true. According to my little brother someone wrote this in their R.E exam...
"What is celibacy?"
"A pokemon."

That's just funny. Kids are just getting thicker and thicker. It's a sad truth.