About Me

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LDN, United Kingdom
I am Shaz. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it. I am a part time freak and full time retard. I also do some casual work as a skank and I volunteer as your mother. NICE TO MEET YOU! Welcome to the biggest rant factory in the history of the internet. I've got more apathy than the entire emo population of the world combined. Only kidding. I'm real nice

Friday, 30 December 2011

And so it is.

My time at Lush is now over. I have in spite of what I may have stated earlier in the festive season - really enjoyed my Christmas holidays. I've met some really cool people. And some not so cool ones. Mostly young customers. Spawn of the devil to different degrees as I recall.

The top three include:
- the two kids who didn't know each other but decided in unison to refuse to let go of a bath bomb in the demo bowl and thus turning both of their hands blue, leaving me to scrub their hands for a half hour only to have the cheeky sod ask me for some moisturiser after.

- the aptly named "Cannibal Child" who just KEPT biting her dad's hand to the point she almost broke the skin. I mean first of all WHY IS YOUR CHILD DOING THAT? And secondly WHY ARE YOU NOT SAYING ANYTHING? Don't chuckle. Don't smile a painful smile and pretend there's nothing to be done. TELL HER OFF. The same kid also dipped her hand into a jug of bubbles and then wiped it all on some other poor unsuspecting shopper who I assume she thought was her mother. I'm only assuming this to give the brat SOME credit. To be honest it could be that she has no concept of boundaries.

- and last but not least my favourite-not-so-favourite little bastard child. So this family come in. Mum, dad, girl - maybe 12 or 13 and boy maybe 7 or 8. And we're looking at all the lovely fresh face masks (PLUG PLUG PLUG). Mum says to girl "You can get one if you want." but she storms off. I don't understand why. But when you read on you'll soon realise there's no real point in looking too much into anything this despicable little shit does. So a few minutes later the boy comes back and his eye is all red. I ask him if he's okay and he just looks down at the ground and says nothing. His dad walks in and announces to his wife that her daughter has just sprayed perfume in her brother's eye. THE WORST THING IS SHE DIDN'T SHOW ANY CARE. No angry protesting of her innocence, no offer of an excuse, not even any sort of guilt.

What is this? Why are kids allowed to act like this. I mean some of it is just kids being kids - making mistakes and messes. But some of it is just a dire need for some real discipline. I'm not saying hit them - but I'm telling you now if that little cannibal bitch bit me I'd smack her into next week - but seriously, TELL THEM OFF. FOR THE SAKE OF THE REST OF HUMANITY!

That is all.

Monday, 12 December 2011

The akward moment when...

... someone you know genuinely believes they coined a hairstyle or a way of doing their eyeliner. And therefore no one else could possibly even think of tying their hair up in that way. Or putting a certain kind of flick on their eyeliner. Or wearing a certain shade of lipstick.. (I know I said something not so lovely about a girl wearing Mac's Ruby Woo lipstick the other day but I didn't say it the sense that I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WEAR IT ARRRGH IT'S MINE but more in a "Oh damn. That's just nasty...."

I do like it though. And encourage others to try it. It's awesome. Just don't slather it on like there's some kinda mystical relationship where the amount on your face is directly proportional to the amount of guys you want on your face....



Thursday, 8 December 2011

When I grow up...

I don't care for being famous. Or being a star. Or being in movies.

I JUST WANNA FEEL LIKE A PIMP.

I blame 50 Cent.

You motherlovers are gonna LOVE this.

Am I the only one who didn't know about this ASOS Market place shizz? IF SO... WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?

I just stumbled across it as I was searching for a Kanye tee. Which I going back to H&M to hunt down because it hurts my heart to think I can't get Kanye on my chest even if I have to pay for it...

BUT YEAH. Check out these gems!



https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/ay-gal-wa-appen-baby/156406





https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/debbie-harry-blondie-faded-black-new-graphic-t-shirt-unisex/155655





https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/droplet-face-t-shirt/105969


I do love me a lickle bit of a treasure hunt!

The luckiest girl in the world.

"According to ancient Greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves."

I can't tell a lie. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I hope that others can find such happiness.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

APPLICATION FOR A WRITING INTERNSHIP.

Enjoy peeps! xxx

By the way thanks to all my mass text massive for the mad love and support.

I sound like I'm getting a VMA. Must dash I think that giant foil man running at me is Kanye.

I joke. I love Kanye.

***

Hello my name is Saalene. Pronounced Sha-La-Knee and spelt wrong – or authentically as he likes to call it – by my father. It is now my burden – with an awkwardly spelt name comes the awkward responsibility of correcting people when they attempt to say it.



I am currently reading English at Westminster University – and I am the kind of person who is saddened that that phrase -“reading” a subject – is not used nearly as much as it should be. Not because I am a hardcore fanatic of such dying phrases. I just like it.



When asked in my first year what my favourite book was, I panicked. I was told by the girl sitting next to me, “Just think of what your favourite book was to read as a child…” followed by a big cheesy grin and also an anecdote about a dead aunt whom she was named after. Well at this point
my mind was alive with
such
literary classics such as ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’, ‘A
Piece of
Cake’, what seems like a ridiculous amount of ‘Goosebumps’ books, but you can’t mention those at the risk of sounding like a 7 year old. I thought fast – and interesting because on this kinda course you wanna be that person – and I chose to talk about a Shakespeare sonnet. Sonnet 130. He basically disses his woman but says he wouldn’t want her any other way. Some swoon and say “Aw! True love!” not me, I’d chase the currish doghearted codpiece! I like to think a passing ghost from this period is making some sort of noise one would expect to hear from the audience of The Jeremy Kyle – which I love by the way, voyeurism at it’s very best.



I digress – I do this a lot, it should have it’s own medical tests and diagnosis – but let me get back to the point. My actual favourite thing to read as a child was this first aid book at my nan’s house. I was obsessed with it then and would happily read one now. Why I haven’t got a certified first aid
qualification is beyond
me, but I guess I can make my own wish come true now – thanks to the advancements in Microsoft Paint. What is the point to all me dithering on so? Reading is not only about fiction. Reading is something we do all the time. I enjoy words and the different things you can make with them. Much like those awkward culinary moments students have when they look in their cupboards and wonder what tomato soup and Nutella can do together to make dinner. You may wretch, I say eat the Nutella straight out of the jar – it saves on washing up.



If you’re really hungry borrow some bread to have with your soup – actually they may not want it back after.
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