We were in the butter aisle.

So today has been one of those days.

At first I saw it as one of the worst days ever. But turned out okay you know.

Just stupid things. But I think I've learnt to just take a minute out and reflect on situations.

Like when I went into this lab, and I have no one to pair up with. For about 3 whole minutes I burnt with embarrassment. I revert back being to 6 years old, but to be honest it's the question you ask yourself an embarrasingly stupid amount of times.

"DOES NO ONE LIKE ME?"

Oh they were excruciating. I moved my things. I felt pity resonate from the girls on the bench by mine. Pity is all they have to offer. Do I take it? Yeah a little. But I feel an immediate pang of guilt. I say to myself, "Man-up damn it! It's a titration. It's not gonna kill you to do it alone."

It didn't. In fact there was a student who turned up late. But it did make me realise. After that first three painful minutes, I realised I could do it.

The night previous to this. I'd had the mother of all strops. I made noodles. And listened to my favourite Amy Winehouse songs. Over. And over. And over.

Sometimes I think I enjoy floundering a little. Not the actual floundering. But somehow plodding through. The plodding through amuses me IMMENSELY.

I get knocked down.

I'M NOT GETTING UP AGAIN. I GIVE UP.

ARGH!

It's times like these all you want is junk food. And cheap alcohol. And you nearest dearest.

And it's times like this where your emotions get so on top of you that the slightest STUPIDEST things remind you of people.

And this isn't heartbreak. It's just pride.
Take off this make up.
Make some food.
Right as rain. But since when has rain been right?
Rain's only good when you're happy. So maybe I need to be happier.

Bring me happiness. In a jar. I'll keep it in the fridge. And spread it on toast when I'm feeling down. Have a slice with some tea.

And then sleep. For a bit. Wake up. Feel good. If I can pull myself out of bed.

Not a miserable thing that. Having to pull myself out of bed. In fact I just like sleeping. It's pure laziness that.

I miss that I can't even go to the pub with anyone and rant this shit out. The handful of people I felt I could ask don't even bother to text back or have to have things their way.

I CAN'T BE BOTHERED WITH YOU. I know I should. And I've tried. But your true colours are ugly. Yes I've seen them. With your dumping me for some guy who's CLEARLY not interested. Or your difficulty in walking 10 mins for me. You guys look after number one. Like mummy and daddy told you to.

Thing is. You can't all be selfish bastards and expect much back from the world. The world will tell you to fuck off.. Just like you did two minutes ago. And about a half an hour before that. I could go on...

So here I am. Off for some pot noodle and House. After I rid myself of this mascara-tear stained face.

Rant (number one.)

Well it's been one of them days. I shouldn't be doing this but I am. It's in my nature to be stupid like this. And panic. Well. I only panic sometimes. When it's not really needed.

I feel like a pot. Full of memories. But when I say that I don't mean in a "Ah I remember that. Oh how I miss it."

It's stupid stuff aswell.

Like just now. I texted a certain man. A sexy man let's say. And he said something, which although he didn't mean in anyway, that made me think of a time when I got hurt. Real bad. With words.

First crush. I'm not gonna say love. That's too dramatic. It wasn't love. It was a really bad crush.

And he told me that he didn't like me anymore because I'm fat. I wanted him to die. I think a little part of me still does. Not so much for the actual line. But more for how absolutely shit he made me feel.

Oh that was a real memory. I felt in my stomach the exact feeling. But worse than that, the fear of it happening again.

But it didn't.

On to other stuff. Recently I've been thinking about Karma. And Sod's Law. Because I'm adamant they're linked.

Karma. I do good. Good happens to me. Simple enough right?

Sod's Law. I see something. Or feel something. Anticipating what will happen. Whether a plan will work. Or an idea will become a reality. I think good and hard. I like the details. I like the feel of the whole thing. THEN. It stops. Dead in the water.

Which takes the piss out of my life. To be quite frank.

And that's the story of my life so far. I'll let you know if it changes.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

There's always a first...

Hello!

This my friends is my FIRST blog.

Well on here anyway!

So give me a while and I'll get something interesting up.

Ok?

Love you(s)

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