The unsociable network.

You're born.

You have, well, a lot of fun. Your best friends are boobs and you get to do it where ever you want. Poo that is.

You go to primary school. Then secondary. Some go on to college or sixth form and some go on to university or jobs. Or JSA. Whatever.

You meet a lot if people in this time. Some more than others.

Now you all know what it's like when you bump into such a person from the past. And the checklist you go through in your head wether or not you will approach them.

- "...isn't that?"
- taking note of appearance - for me that's usually, 'Oh my, I didn't know there were such new levels of hood rat lows' which usually consist of ridiculous hair, terrible tattoos that look like the tattooist was using a permanent marker and has had a stroke halfway through, piercings with earrings in -saw this ONCE but still makes me shudder, and my favourite accessory of all - kids. I say that but I love babies. I think they can defeat evil. Or rival Darth Vader Haha.

Then you wonder. Shall I just wave? Do they even remember who I am? I mean you don't wanna wave at someone and not have them wave back. I ALWAYS laugh at myself when this happens. Because I do this. Not a lot but enough to have come up with a contingency plan for such an occasion. HUMOUR. I look around and find someone to laugh with me. Believe it or not it makes me feel better.

If they wanna say hi they will and if not you don't need to worry about the awkward questions.

"What are you up to now?"
"Oh. Uni. Working. And errr."

What?! Am I meant to list my hobbies and interests?

Then if you're fortunate something comes up. Your stop. Your shopping - cause now should you linger any longer that can of tinned peaches in DEFIANTLY going to expire, it can only be saved by the beep at the checkout - or my favourite you say you gotta go and then end up walking the same bloody route as this person. Forcing you to carry on reciting this CV of life to this person, or make an attempt to shift the focus on someone else from that period of your life, "Oh I hear Joe is out of prison now. Yeah, saw him in Lidl the other day." "Lidl?" FUCK OFF. Like you've never been in there.

Now when on a social network you'll do all of this behind a screen. Not so awkward. Right? Wrong.

Because. Once you've added this person there's no "Oh this is my stop!" i.e. If god loves me he will ensure I don't bump into YOU again for at least 10 years.

There's just a constant hover if people who you by the laws of nature you shouldn't have to hear from. You know the kinda crap that makes you wanna hate people. Like
"I'm done with men. Don't wanna break my heart again"
Then followed maybe a half hour later by "OMG HE MAY BE THE ONE"

Or "Job hunting. Applied for one job this week. Woo go me."

Or "SNAKES AND FAKES. EVERYWHERE"

"Oh I hate having to baby sit. It's all I do. Meh."

First of all. DON'T SAY, TYPE or even THINK "meh". This isn't me trying to be a motivational speaker, I'm just telling you it's a wanker of a thing to do. Like saying LOL out loud.

I mean you start to despise people because of this. But the problem is falling out with people is harder on social networks. Especially people you have to see on a regular basis. Maybe at work or uni or school.

But I guess more painful is the former friend you wanted or even needed to phase out. In my case I've had a couple of these circumstances.

Situation A. For some spastic reason your friend has suddenly become very stupid. Ridiculously stupid. For example. A friend of mine who has just finished uni and tells me all the time that they have nothing to do and would love to see you. I work. So I say well I can't do this day or that day and all of a sudden this person's diary is chock-a-block with social traffic. (By the by this is just something that made me laugh, my mum was telling my nan about some important thing that coming up and my nan replied "Uh-huh, I'll put that in my diary." My nan has such a bustling social life that she has to pencil us in. Haha.)

And it won't just be that week. It's just all this bullshit about having to see "the girls" or still being in bed at 1 in the afternoon after a long day of doing fuck all. And not just that! Straight up ignoring me when I've posted something in reply to a status, I mean replying to every other fucker on there BUT ME. Fine. As arrogant as it'll sound, it's their loss. I'm a lovely friend. Bar the potty mouth. Haha.

Situation B. What I like to call the divorcee. You split with a friend. Fine. In most circumstances you'll have to fight for custody of the kids i.e. your other friends within the same unit. Well what I thought may be an amicable family situation isn't as such. I guess it's the same as your kids thinking you're a bit naff. And "Dad let's is have ice cream for breakfast". You can't change their minds. You feel kinda crap about yourself. I'm not angry with the kids. I'm more angry with myself for getting upset. If you're not cool in their eyes now, you never will be. That's just something I have to accept.

I always say I'll get rid of my Facebook and Twitter. But I won't. Well not for now. One day. I am glad I don't use it as much as I used to. And I should delete a lot of the aforementioned people. I've made a start.

But yeah. Let's all go back to using landlines and postcards.