Final year of uni is killing me. I've never felt this low in my life. But more than that I've never felt so alone. No support. No shoulder to sob ridiculously into.
What will I do when I'm done with uni? What will I be? Where will I be?
I have no real plan. Worse than that not one person I know believes I can be this important person. So much so that I, myself, don't believe I can be such a person. I'm constantly overlooked, talked over, left behind or ignored.
I'm told to push myself harder? Fuck off for what? It's not just about pushing hard because if it were rhinos, hippos and elephants would take over the world.
Even when I push as hard as I can, try to go that one step further I'm shot down. Even by those nearest and dearest to me. I have yet to hear one fucking positive thing from those closest to me. One thing. Not one thing. I hate it. I hate myself.
I hate myself for many reasons. Why am I so dependant on what these people say? Why am I not more aware of my own skills - though I can't tell you what they are right now I must have some right? Well it's not the lack of skills that worries me. I'm sure I'm one of those pointless people with skills that don't really count.
I hate myself for being such a stupid stupid overly emotional sack of shite. What the fuck is the point of me feeling like a complete twat for no one to care? I've given so much of my time to being the perfect friend and girlfriend but WHY? Who the fuck cares? I can't change who I am am. And I am NOT perfect. Not in any sense of the word. The sooner I learn this and bury it deep in the hollow where my brain should be the better.
You know when you've cried so much that your eyes feel like someone's sticking pins into them? That's about it right now.
The worst thing about crying for me is it's not a release like it is for some people. It exhausts me. I am exhausted now.
Nothing's solved by crying. And lots of different things have made me cry these past few weeks none of which can be resolved by the crying. So why am I still crying?