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LDN, United Kingdom
I am Shaz. It's hard work. But someone's gotta do it. I am a part time freak and full time retard. I also do some casual work as a skank and I volunteer as your mother. NICE TO MEET YOU! Welcome to the biggest rant factory in the history of the internet. I've got more apathy than the entire emo population of the world combined. Only kidding. I'm real nice

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

EMO.


I've had a thoroughly shit Christmas. I don't care for any of this shit anymore. I actually want to be alone. I don't want anything or anyone. I don't care. I think the only reason I attach myself to people is to convince myself that I am a social person when I'm really not.

I haven't felt this low for a long time. Just a little effort is anyone can ask for and I don't even get that and if you can't get it on it's own, there's no point in trying to force it out of people.

I hate that my family are insisting on spending time together as a family when I can't wait to get out of here. And that's not just to go running into someone else's nest. I don't want to risk it. I want to just be alone. I've been told I must be and will be a nightmare to live with and I'm beginning to see exactly why. I have no tolerance for people. I have no tolerance for people's comfort in repetition. I have no tolerance for people's feelings. I have no tolerance.

I just hate all this shit. I can't believe some of the things I've heard from people this Christmas. Presents are not meant to be a sign of how much money you've spent on a person. That value is attached to whatever has been bought, there's a different kind of value attached with something made or handed down - I think they call that sentimental value or something. But the true value of a present is how much you know a person. The thought, planning and (hopefully) execution of buying something seemingly perfect for that person.

But what do I hear?

"Oh, but they got a mug with socks..."  - don't judge me, I'm a bloody student, we're far from loaded.

"I don't know if I'll use it" - I haven't even got a comment for this one. It's more complicated - a case of where I've tried with my teeny tiny mind to comprehend what this person may find useful and low and behold I can't figure it out because clearly there is nothing in my skull apart from a horrible mush of crap that is of no use to anyone - SOMEONE PLEASE PUT ME DOWN.

"Oh you know this'll be less than half price tomorrow?" - FUCK ALL OF THIS SHIT. I'M NEVER CELEBRATING THIS STUPID THING EVER AGAIN. I DON'T WANT TO CELEBRATE A THING. CHRISTMAS, BIRTHDAYS, DIWALI, HANUKKAH. NONE OF IT. I GIVE IT ALL UP.

 I don't care. I just don't give a shit anymore.

By the way I have deadlines on the 7th, 9th and 14th of Jan. 11,000 words in total. I hope I die before that. So I won't have to deal with ANY of this shit anymore.


BY THE WAY. If you're reading this and thinking "What a stupid bitch!" then I should warn you I am indeed on my period. And it's just my luck that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which makes everything SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE.

2 comments:

Anthony said...

Sorry for contributing to your unhappiness.

Saalene said...

You weren't even making me unhappy. With you it was more frustration of not being able to find you something nice. Which is a reflection of how little I know you.

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