Of the month I mean. When I complain about it to other women I get one of two reactions.
"Oh that sucks yeah mine's a pain too."
Or "OH MY GOD MINE ARE THE WORST. THEY'RE THE WORST IN THE WORLD. IT'S LIKE I'M DYING. IN FACT. I DID ACTUALLY DIE ONCE BECAUSE OF IT. AAAAAARGH."
The latter are the ones that make you want to run head first into a wall. Why must pain be a competition. Besides. My physical pain isn't that bad - apart from today, I told someone the other day that I don't really get cramps as such and I sweat to you Mother Nature was listening and is currently exactly her "O RLY" style revenge on my tummy. That whore.
The real pain is how hormonal I am. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. Which causes a hormonal imbalance. Which causes me to be a emotional train wreck when Mother Bitchface calls.
Any other time of the month if someone were to call me a bitch I'd be like.
"YEAH. WHATEVER." (I'm thinking the kind of whatever you'd find in the song 'My United States of Whatever')
But today. I cried. Not for like 30 seconds of anything I mean for like the best part of a half hour. I mean who fucking cares? Okay the person who called me a bitch is someone I didn't expect to call me a bitch. So maybe that made it worse. Something that would usually anger me just made me cry. It's all I seem to do.
What is wrong with me?
I get ridiculously angry too. I mean. For any spastic reason. I've smashed plates. Punched walls. Screamed at people. I mean literally screeching.
And then when I get angry I cry. So you're mixing those two shitty things up.
But the worst is the self hate. I mean I'm not my biggest fan most of the time. But when I'm on, I literally hate myself. I hate how fat I am. I feel like I look good in nothing. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like a complete idiot. Like so stupid I can't do my work. I sit there thinking to myself "How are you in your third year of uni when you can't even write a coherent essay? How did I even make it into university?"
Why can't this go away? Why must I endure this humiliating shame once a month? The emotionally unstable bitch. Yeah. Bitch. I said it. I guess that's what I am.
Apparently not just at this time of month. Apparently I'm also mean. Which I am. But I'm also sweet. But sweet never gets anyone anywhere. Because no one appreciates sweet. I do. But so what. I don't get it now. I never have. I never will.
I was promised a box of chocolates tomorrow. I bet you a box of chocolates that I don't get them. Well I will. If I lose. And if I win I won't buy you any. Because they're right. I'm not a nice person. And I don't care. I won't be nice to people and that will be the end of it. I just don't give a fucking shit about being nice. Why should I be? I never get the same treatment back. karma doesn't exist. You're either shat on by the universe or not.