So...

I went to see the new James Bond film the other day and all I could think of before actually seeing the film - apart from how much the bloody popcorn was gonna cost me - was WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL WITH THIS BOND GIRL BEING A FIGURE FOR WOMEN TO LOOK UP TO? She must do something pretty awesome in the film. Or be a figure for women to look up to... right?


BUT NO. As mean as this sounds she wasn't the leading lady of the film in the slightest. Judi Dench was. And I loved the film. But more so because of her. She is the kind of woman we should all aspire to be like - well even if we are talking about her character M.

The line that really made it clear - "I'll leave when the job is done."

She's not the sexy bond gyal who gets it on with that blue eyed hunk - yeah he's aite, I know a lot of you guys think he's hot stuff but he's warm in my eyes. She's not the one wearing the stunning dress with the thigh high split. She's the one who's worked hard, gone with her instincts and always focuses on her goal.

I'd rather be like her that the girl who doesn't need wing mirrors to drive. You'll get that once you've seen the film. GO WATCH IT.

The unsociable network.

You're born.

You have, well, a lot of fun. Your best friends are boobs and you get to do it where ever you want. Poo that is.

You go to primary school. Then secondary. Some go on to college or sixth form and some go on to university or jobs. Or JSA. Whatever.

You meet a lot if people in this time. Some more than others.

Now you all know what it's like when you bump into such a person from the past. And the checklist you go through in your head wether or not you will approach them.

- "...isn't that?"
- taking note of appearance - for me that's usually, 'Oh my, I didn't know there were such new levels of hood rat lows' which usually consist of ridiculous hair, terrible tattoos that look like the tattooist was using a permanent marker and has had a stroke halfway through, piercings with earrings in -saw this ONCE but still makes me shudder, and my favourite accessory of all - kids. I say that but I love babies. I think they can defeat evil. Or rival Darth Vader Haha.

Then you wonder. Shall I just wave? Do they even remember who I am? I mean you don't wanna wave at someone and not have them wave back. I ALWAYS laugh at myself when this happens. Because I do this. Not a lot but enough to have come up with a contingency plan for such an occasion. HUMOUR. I look around and find someone to laugh with me. Believe it or not it makes me feel better.

If they wanna say hi they will and if not you don't need to worry about the awkward questions.

"What are you up to now?"
"Oh. Uni. Working. And errr."

What?! Am I meant to list my hobbies and interests?

Then if you're fortunate something comes up. Your stop. Your shopping - cause now should you linger any longer that can of tinned peaches in DEFIANTLY going to expire, it can only be saved by the beep at the checkout - or my favourite you say you gotta go and then end up walking the same bloody route as this person. Forcing you to carry on reciting this CV of life to this person, or make an attempt to shift the focus on someone else from that period of your life, "Oh I hear Joe is out of prison now. Yeah, saw him in Lidl the other day." "Lidl?" FUCK OFF. Like you've never been in there.

Now when on a social network you'll do all of this behind a screen. Not so awkward. Right? Wrong.

Because. Once you've added this person there's no "Oh this is my stop!" i.e. If god loves me he will ensure I don't bump into YOU again for at least 10 years.

There's just a constant hover if people who you by the laws of nature you shouldn't have to hear from. You know the kinda crap that makes you wanna hate people. Like
"I'm done with men. Don't wanna break my heart again"
Then followed maybe a half hour later by "OMG HE MAY BE THE ONE"

Or "Job hunting. Applied for one job this week. Woo go me."

Or "SNAKES AND FAKES. EVERYWHERE"

"Oh I hate having to baby sit. It's all I do. Meh."

First of all. DON'T SAY, TYPE or even THINK "meh". This isn't me trying to be a motivational speaker, I'm just telling you it's a wanker of a thing to do. Like saying LOL out loud.

I mean you start to despise people because of this. But the problem is falling out with people is harder on social networks. Especially people you have to see on a regular basis. Maybe at work or uni or school.

But I guess more painful is the former friend you wanted or even needed to phase out. In my case I've had a couple of these circumstances.

Situation A. For some spastic reason your friend has suddenly become very stupid. Ridiculously stupid. For example. A friend of mine who has just finished uni and tells me all the time that they have nothing to do and would love to see you. I work. So I say well I can't do this day or that day and all of a sudden this person's diary is chock-a-block with social traffic. (By the by this is just something that made me laugh, my mum was telling my nan about some important thing that coming up and my nan replied "Uh-huh, I'll put that in my diary." My nan has such a bustling social life that she has to pencil us in. Haha.)

And it won't just be that week. It's just all this bullshit about having to see "the girls" or still being in bed at 1 in the afternoon after a long day of doing fuck all. And not just that! Straight up ignoring me when I've posted something in reply to a status, I mean replying to every other fucker on there BUT ME. Fine. As arrogant as it'll sound, it's their loss. I'm a lovely friend. Bar the potty mouth. Haha.

Situation B. What I like to call the divorcee. You split with a friend. Fine. In most circumstances you'll have to fight for custody of the kids i.e. your other friends within the same unit. Well what I thought may be an amicable family situation isn't as such. I guess it's the same as your kids thinking you're a bit naff. And "Dad let's is have ice cream for breakfast". You can't change their minds. You feel kinda crap about yourself. I'm not angry with the kids. I'm more angry with myself for getting upset. If you're not cool in their eyes now, you never will be. That's just something I have to accept.

I always say I'll get rid of my Facebook and Twitter. But I won't. Well not for now. One day. I am glad I don't use it as much as I used to. And I should delete a lot of the aforementioned people. I've made a start.

But yeah. Let's all go back to using landlines and postcards.

I don't understand people.

Shit I've not understood this week.

My boyfriend is lovely but sometimes. I think. You know. He's just not that... Trendy..."

You best be hesitating bitch. How old are you? Who even says shit like that. She's sitting there complaining about how he's embarrassed to hang out in all these awful sounding places she proceeded to list that her friends "ALWAYS hang out at". You poor sap! I think she may have genuinely been a victim of peer pressure. Or her mother drank heavily throughout the pregnancy. Which has been claimed not to be as awful for babies as first thought. But if you'd seen this bitch blather on, you'd've thought otherwise.

Seemingly never ending Facebook wars.

For me personally I have no wars on the book of faces. I have had minor altercations on there or as a result of something on there. For example. Someone I used to be friends with refused to accept me as a friend, fortunately for her I'm not the kinda crazed bitch who'd pressure her into doing so. However there are other mutual friends we have who she has reporting back to her. Random shit. Like if I post something angry. It's some minor incident. It's not gonna be the death of me. Why so interested? You didn't wanna add me as a friend yet you know all about what's going on in my life.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

BUT WOAH THERE WAIT ONE HOT MINUTE. There's worse.

This girl. I knew from a long time. She added me. She then added a friend of mine. Only to harass him. About the most raaaaaaandom shit. Apparently he slept with her flat mate. Who cares?! Who even thinks about that stuff now? But most of all why go to the trouble of confronting someone who hasn't actually done anything wrong to you. Someone who you barely know and barely knows you.

Well after that there was a spat. Ending in the termination of said cyberfriendship.

DAH-LETE

Fine. Seriously not a problem. If you're not meant to be friends, you're not. That's just how it is.

Why does she then message me, add me as a friend and poke me?

All in the space of half an hour?

I don't understaaaaaaaaaand.

R.I.P. to the girl you used to see her days are over.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck. I don't wanna hate on Rita Ora but I HAVE to hate on this song for one reason and one reason only. I've seen it quoted and posted and all of this is being done with the intention of girls screaming out to the social networking universe that she is gonna change her ways. No. NO. Stop it. You won't.

It's not just this song. It's all this crap about

- "living life."
- "living for yourself."
- "ignoring hypocrites." (OH GUUUUUURL THAT WORD IS ABOUT 6 LETTERS TOO LONG FOR YOUR USUAL VOCAB.)
- "being happy"
- "being happy alone"

WHATEVER.


BLAH. It does my head in. It's not the blatant disregard for self respect and them constantly ending up in these situations. It's the joke of an attempt at changing your life by putting up a status.

I'm gonna say now. I am pretty sure I have never done this but as a discloser if I ever have I'm gonna say now I was probably on my period. You guys don't understand. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome - which I like to believe sounds a lot more impressive and serious than it is. Sort of. It varies right. From the hormones fighting it out in your body and the effects that can have on all sorts of shit, to having to have an ovary removed cause one of the teeny tiny cysts getting brave and growing like the confidence of the aforementioned spastics when one of their horrendous statuses is liked by someone on the book of faces. That ovary removal thing didn't happen to me by the way.

Oh and also. A word of caution. Some of these PCOS bitches as I like to call them have a tendency to use this condition as an excuse for being shit at life. And I swear to goodness that this was actually something said by such a woman "It takes me longer to get ready cause of my poly cystic ovaries" - true story bro.

What a twat.


But back to the point. If you're feeling horrible about yourself don't listen to bad pop music. Bad pop music is only ever enjoyable when your happiness levels are above baseline.

I say above baseline. Some people are so ridiculously miserable that their baselines are way too low to ever appreciate bad pop. Or even good pop.

Having said all of this when these crazy bitches put these things up, other crazy guys and gals show them support. Are they all as bad as each other. Do they really believe reciting these lyrics and regurgitated proclamations will change them as a person.

It won't.

Real goals and real aspiration are achieved through real work.

Not this bullshit, wallowing in false lyrical confidence.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Way ridiculous. This thing. It's happened before. What is it? Falling out with friends. Well sometimes it's "falling out" when there's animosity. Other than that it's "drifting apart". Nonetheless it keeps happening.

In secondary school. It was my best friend. She got with a guy. Who I liked. But anyway. She started going out with him. There were misunderstandings and lies and her believing him over me. Whatever. It's done now. But there was a guy.

At sixth form. Well there were a lot of people who didn't keep in touch. Some because it is quite simply a case of people being people. Not everyone gets on. Then there are some people who just get on your tits so much that it's a joke that you have to even spend time with them at all. I mean there is one person who I sometimes bump into and all I get to hear is "Oh I'm so fabulous, my life is amazing, I go out with all my friends all the time and wok at this place yeah but anyway I met this guy and got so drunk and I think he likes me but I don't remember his name... but anyway. I'm not pregnant so THAT'S something."

Also that roughly translates to "We're all going through the same crappy motions in life I just want mine to sound better so you hate yourself a little"

And I do. Because then I start thinking about all the good things I have going for me. I shouldn't but hey when someone's trying to make me look like a schmuck you gotta big yourself up.

Anyways. In the last few years I've ended up really hating people. I wanna think its not my fault but it is. The reason it is is that I don't avoid becoming a victim. All this time I've said to myself, "It's not fair" and then cried, hated myself for bit and then bounced back. Cause I'm bouncy like that. And although I am bouncy I still have feelings. But I want to know why I haven't learned to stay away from these leeches, the bottom feeders of society. With their disgustingly lame ways of conducting themselves, their sheer desperation for attention. In any form. Which is quite possibly the worst of all because you get to see them put themselves up for social flaggelation all for just a little more drama or attention from the guy or girl who clearly couldn't give a flying FUCK about them.
I need to stay away from people. I hate uni for that. Because in reality I love being around people and meeting new people. But I hate all the politics that ensue.

I can't wait for all this shite to be over

What's in a gift?

I've gotta admit. I used to think I was once the queen of presenting buying. I'm losing my touch now. But I guess that was inevitable what with growing up, working, essaying and all the other crap that steals time from my all time favourite thing to do... SHOPPING. If you are interested the things that come in second and third respectively are eating and acting like a bigger dickhead than Kanye West. I've been fortunate enough to get some really lovely gifts in the past. Including - a guitar - from a friend who turned up to a dance show and had this MASSIVE box with him. That shit craaaaaaay. But good cray. Obv. - a tv - from my friends at sixth form. I remember how one of my friends had actually walked in late cause of work and announced this was my surprise, and then demanded I act surprised - a surprise party, the first one I've ever had thrown for me. - my first iPod from my uncle - my beats from my boo - which wasn't even the best one cause my favourite gift from him is in fact a coffee that he got for me - a cook book - cause my friend works at a bookshop and knows I like to make a mess in the kitchen. These are a few and they are all lovely gifts, not this crap I've been hearing recently about "OMG HE GOT ME THE *insert a brand that seems to be in the trend at the moment* BLAH BLAH BLAH" I was gonna name a designer. But I don't plug unless I have. And have, I do not. The simple fact is that these aren't gift. It's a half arsed attempt at keeping you happy rather than making you happy. And trust me there is a big difference. But like I was saying I've seemed to have lost my touch. In the past few years there were only a few hit gifts I've got for people. Apart from that it's been... "Why didn't you get me next seasons?" or "This isn't the actual one I wanted" or "Oh... Yeah I'll wear it all the time promise"

Yeah fucking right. Argh I just want to punch people when they get like this. You people think I ACTUALLY want to spend my money on shit you don't like? Why can't you just be polite and appreciate the fucking effort that I've gone too? FUCK. Well for this reason I want to give up all reasons to give and / or recieve presents. You don't understand how it makes my blood boil. All the anger has come flooding back. And I want to go back and throw things at these people.

A fiver each. Pretty BOOM.

Red glitter nails. My personal fave.

So. Basically. A blood red base. Then glitter coat. Then LOTS of clear. The clear makes or breaks this.

Well I think so. But then again I feel clear nail varnish can make or break ANY nail design.

The passive aggressive tweet.

I've fallen into this trap. And I've changed my ways now. Mostly because when I spoke to a friend about this.



"I always take that stuff personally. Even if it probably nothing to do with me."





I found the biggest problem. And this problem is the kind of thing anyone could overlook. Which is why I believe it to be the biggest problem. It's deceptively troublesome.

When one types such a status, tweet or broadcast message (yeah I know about these, I was on BBM for a short while - never again though!) we always seem to focus only on
- the person at which this is aimed
- maybe including another friend or mutual enemy via the "inside joke"
- making it witty

For me you get more points for
- making your own rhyme
- using song lyrics
- metaphor
- (and by far my favourite) analogies.

But here lies the problem. You are so engrossed in this task that you forget these points.

A. There are a lot of OTHERS who are part of your social network.

B. These OTHERS are still people.

C. These people are by default CRAP. And more than likely to have done something similar to whatever you are complaining about OR they are guilty of the thing that you are complaining about. If it's a generic complaint - like I found in my case - it can be a problem more widespread than you think.

"Sisters before misters..."

My phrase of choice. A bad one? No. I don't think so.

I thought wrong.

This was applicable to a wide array of people at the time I posted this. However. I didn't realise this. It was a comment on a friend's dilemma, such a situation with someone who wasn't anyone of particular importance to me.

However. Someone whom I'd previously fallen out with - well not so much fell out as drifted apart - saw this and some others and thought that they were about her.

They weren't but I can see why she'd think that. But you know what I can't do anything about it now.

Apart from this. NO MORE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. I need to stop with this stupidness and I advise all others to do the same.

So...

I've got a theory about racist / ignorant / spazzy chicks in America doing vlogs, twitter pages, blogs etc about crap. Your idiocy is directly proportional to how fucked up your eyebrows are. BITCH.

So today is my first day on Smoke radio. I am very nervous and very excited. So excited that I've turned up an hour early. Doooooooi. What a pleb! Anyway. I'm really worried that I'll say a naughty word on the air so I've been training myself to not swear in the hours before. I remember once when I was presenting a show for this Malayalee event, yes for those of you who didn't know I am from Kerela - also known as God's own country, and I was told that if I were to swear on stage I would pay for it in blood. So I'm there. Bright lights. In front of hundreds of people. Well maybe not hundreds but still a LOT of people and what do I do? I make a mistake. And I'm thinking "OH CRAAAAAAAAAAP" but I can't say it. I'll get shot. So what comes out of my mouth... "OOPSIE" THIS PHRASE THEN HAUNTED ME FOR MONTHS. Seriously. Well at least I didn't swear.

Avoiding CRAAAAAAAAAAZY bitches. Lesson 1.

If she has a catchphrase don't trust her. Unless it's genuine or genuinely funny. Examples are as follow. 






"Don't judge me"
Bitch please you're the one who's more likely to go around judging people.


"Oh you're wearing so much make up, I don't wear make up I don't need any. I'm au naturel."


So much so that you don't shave your legs or straighten / curl / colour / intricately weave, put up or do anything with your hair, shape them caterpillars above your eyes and so on. Oh wait you do? THEN WHY HATE ON SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF THEIR APPEARANCE? I mean it's not like I don't disagree with some aspects of personal hygiene or presentation as you may well know but you won't catch me putting someone down to make myself feel better.
(The above statement goes with the exception of the following: someone I have witnessed doing the above, someone I've had a previous grievance with, someone who has "brought it" so to say regarding my own looks)






"I only have GUY mates"
Emphasis on the "GUY" part by the way cause they REALLY wanna drive that point home. These are the spastic girls who are so adamant that they are one of the "guys" that they simply cannot fathom the idea of having friends who have ovaries. Truth is they aren't one of the guys at all. Trust me I know. I have two brothers. Three male cousins. And a few close male friends. Boys are a different species as much as I think I understand male human beings I don't because it's impossible to. And there is no way on Earth these crazy hoes can spend ALL their time with guys. I've done it before. They do your head in after a while. And are for the most part so vulgar that it rubs off on you and you end up talking the same shit they would.


Besides those who claim to are usually covering for the following


a) they are such bitches women no longer want to associate with them


b) they like to think all of their guy mates are "in love" with them, and to further this they'll be a doormat
/ shamelessly shameful flirt / whooooooooooore.






"I'm doing me"
Masturbating were you?
This and any other Drake lyrics for that matter especially that YOLO bullshite.



"People just don't get me"
Too fucking right. You are most likely the most erractic kind of spastic they find on the planet.

"I'm in love ... I kissed his best friend ... I don't want a boyfriend ...


That guys looking at me ... I'll be back in 5 mins I'm just gonna throw myself at him and see what happens ...


LOOK AT ME I'M SUCH A PIMP ... 


Why does everyone think I'm a whore ... I think I have an STD ... I think I'm pregnant ... I'm gonna cry for about a week now. 


... Do you think that guy over there's single? He's totally into me. He LOOKED at me ... 


He said "Sorry" when I knocked over all his stuff ... 


He wants me to be his wifey. Right? Totally ... 


I wanna marry him. 


WHY WON'T HE TALK TO ME?! 


I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING HIS TWEETS, COMMENTING ON ALL HIS PICTURES ON FACEBOOK, WAITING FOR HIM WHEN HE FINISHES WORK / UNI / GYM / PEEING. WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME?"


HOW THE FUCK IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO "UNDERSTAND" YOU YOU CRAZY BITCH.






" I'm happy single"


Say it once if you please say it at least once a week and we'll have problems. You going on and on about how happy you are being SINGLE, ALONE, DOING MY OWN THING and so on makes me think you're about to snap and sink to new levels of desperation that have yet to be witnessed by mankind.




I've gotta stop now. I feel bad for doing this instead of essaying. Hahaha.

I don't care what you say...

Just cause you've got a boyfriend doesn't mean you can neglect your friends. I get that we won't see wach other AS MUCH but seriously he's your boyfriend not your conjoined twin. I flipping hate this about girls. What the hell is wrong with you women? Are you so insecure that you have to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM? When your friends need you you're not there and I don't care how horrible this makes me I HOPE karma gets you.  


FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.


Seriously though all my life these bitches have been fucking me over. I'm sick of it. If you're needy I don't need you. Fucking bitches. ARGH. This shit drives me maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. And you're all shit actresses too. Arguing with him on the phone with a big smile on your face? Drama queen. Bitching about him and his friends and then being overly nice to them in person? Fake bitch. And most of all dumping your would-be problems, made up shit and awful lies on those around you? STUPID HOE. Follow the fake love hearts to your deciever. They all seem to congrgate and decieve each other. 

"He looked at me. He obviously likes me. He's totally in love with me" "Why is he talking to HER? It's like he's cheating on me. I hate that girl now, I don't know her but I'm gonna tell everyone she's a whore" "Why do all the guys think she's pretty? I'm gonna tell everyone she's ugly"


THESE CRAZY BITCHES NEED TO BE LOCKED UP. I wanna know what is causing this pandemic of idiocy. Maybe it's something in the water. Or watching too much 90210. Yeah that's the other thing. Comparing your problem to those of a bunch of kids on tv WHO AREN'T REAL doesn't help your case in any way. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

Skill-rex? Skrill-ex? Skill-rex? SKRILLEX.

CROC EFFECT.

Snap it up. Seriously. Love it.
Barry M's Gold and Croc Effect in Black.

Beaaaaautiful.

WAAAAANT!

"LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!"

It's seems to be that many women are disillusioned about their bodies. Most of the time its sad. You know when someone who's not actually got the biggest nose you've ever seen.

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HILARIOUS.

No. You do not have an amazing bum. It's nice but it's not the best thing since sliced bread (Atkins dieters bring your own colloquialism)

Same goes for boobs, eyes, legs and well pretty much any other body part.

You telling the entire world that whichever of the above statements you picked from the above - and I mean I this is the nicest way but GOD HELP YOU if you picked more than one - will not
a) make it true
b) make anyone take notice.

The latter point being the one that gets to me the most. When these girls - and you know what guys do it too - go on and on about this one thing that apparently is the only attribute the posses (anyone else imagining a floating pair of boobs with eyes and the cleavage as a nose?) and people start to ignore them, more often than not the seem to be compelled to push their campaign even harder. What some call A VICIOUS CYCLE.

Be beautiful.

I miss make up. I've stopped wearing anything - apart from lipstick- for the last two weeks and it's still driving me nuts. Why?

On the one hand I feel happy that I'm not in constant fear of looking like a transvestite or typical East London scum. I like not having to worry about cleaning it all off before I fall asleep - HAHA YEAH CAUSE I USED TO DO THAT... I like not getting judged on the train because of course that was indeed my prime location for application.

But despite being told I don't need the make up, I don't need the "gunk" and that I'm "beautiful" I don't feel it. I don't feel pretty without it. I feel insecure about my skin.

Is this because I've been more and more dependant on make up, predominantly foundation, for the past few years?

It's pay day and all I'm thinking is I want to shop for make up. Should I? Shouldn't I. This is driving me mad. And the worst thing is it's such a lame thing to get wound up over!

Okay now I think I'm some kinda spazz cause I can't even differentiate the pics of myself wearing make up and not wearing make up. Decide for yourselves. My conclusion. I'm a paranoid poo poo head.

Why are we all such WUSSES?!

I have just seen someone I went to uni with in Portsmouth. She told me how she's still traumatised by the events of one night out which was not particularly pleasant. But I don't understand. She wasn't the one who was getting verbally abused. She wasn't the one who had to deal with all the childish shit like prank calls - which said lady let slip she was fully aware of whilst ranting away. But I simply cannot fathom why this same person is claiming to be traumatised by these events. I was more effected yet she's the one who seems to be wallowing in it. I just wish people would let things go. Move on get on with it. Seeing people like that just drives me crazy. Don't get me wrong. Have a little bitch - 5, 10 minutes. Maybe half an hour depending on the number of participants and whether or not food and drink are involved. But that's it. It's out of your system and gone.

People shouldn't hold on to shit. Unless they're a toilet.

Size 18 cream lace shirt. Smaller than an 18 though. I'd say maybe more a 16?

Size 16. Mini skirt.

Size 16 shirt dress

Size 18.

Size 18. Prom dress.

£15

Size 18. Prom dress.

Size 12. Midi skirt.

Size 14. Mini skirt.

The next few posts are me trying to get rid of some of the clothes that are nice and could go to charity but they're nice so people can still make the most of them. But yeah. Holla.

Size 14. Knee length skirt. £5

BELLY'S GONE AND GOT ME.

What on earth is this? This girl isn't thick as in curvy but THICK as in STUPID. Where do they find these people? Why do people keep breeding to make these people? This girl is the epitome of TURD. And seriously she is so so SO stupid. "I have like arms and legs and yeaaaaah...." And my god you must have all the guys just falling at your feet right? So much so that you can make a bitchy video all about something she saw on Facebook. To be fair though you could say I'm doing the same about a Youtube video. But I'm not being a vicious little insecurity-projecting attention whore. Big girls get so much stick. I am speaking from experience. I mean I 've always been a bigger girl. I wasn't always as big as I am now. But still always lead to believe I am a fatty. Sometimes I truly believe I am. This is me at the age of 17ish and as it has gone on...

Back then I was a size 12, but even then I was getting stick, from aunties mainly but I have grown to understand that nothing on God's earth will ever appese these women.

This is me now. This pic made me cringe so much it's the kick start I needed to lose weight. It may not look awful but a tiny part of me wants to die when I look at it. Let's hope it's the fat bitch in me. Let's hope she dies.

What am I meant to do? When you have a problem with someone you tell them. Don't keep telling them. That's just nagging. But one thing that must be realise is that the repercussions of your admissions of complaint come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and may take on the form of those whom you least expect. You telling someone that you think they're wrong is the first problem. You're automatically a bit of a bitch. Because you've said it. You may not have said it behind their back. You may not have said it in a horrible way. You just automatically become the bitch. Even worse is when everyone else suddenly thinks the same. I mean what do you then? You are the enemy. What have you even done? You've done the one thing no one else would. I can't lie. When you lose a friend it's sad. When you lose a whole load in one go it really hurts. But what can I say? It doesn't kill you. Then there's trying to patch it up with a friend who isn't talking to you but is. Because you're not talking properly. I mean now you're just an idiot. You can ask if anythings up. And you'll get the standard answer... "No! Everything's fine!" and then still the awkwardness persists. But what can you do? If you keep asking you're just a tool. And if you don't well you just have to either deal with the fact that this person is no longer someone who wants to talk to you or just play along with the pretence. It's your preference. Not really. But let's pretend it is. Then there's the never ending bitch. This girl. I don't get it. I took everyone's advice. Be civil. Don't give her any ammunition. Just steer clear of her. So I did all of the above... And yet it was still the same situation one year on. Why? God knows. But over all of this I think to myself... "It was International Women's Day the other day... Why is it that women seem to be the biggest problem to women". So... if you're a lady and you're reading this.. be nice to your sisters. It's a bitch of a world out there. Do what you can to make it less so...

Sometimes....

I wish I was a fucking mute. I hate hate HATE when people tell me I talk too much. It's so belittling. I can't stand it. It makes me want to die. It's so embarrassing. I hate myself more and more everytime it happens. I fucking hate having to see friends and family. Most of the time it's not even meeting the family that's the problem. I can't fucking stand MY family always making these comments. The more it happens the more I wish I was some kind of social recluse. I can't help how I am. I enjoy meeting new people. I do. Anyone who knows me can tell you this much. I can be perfectly charming and I don't have a problem with arguing my point. But none of this lot do that. No one wants to do anything. No one wants to ask the questions that probably should be asked. No one wants to ask for the help. No one. But when I do it they'll be the first to criticize or to tell me to shut up. People who think they're so different from their parent's stubborn ways soon realise they are quite simply no different. Well the entire world can fuck off. I'm sick of it. I'm not taking part in these antics anymore. I am sick of being made a joke. I am funny. Laugh with me not at me.

I'm so shit at this - I needed inspiration from my own Facebook statuses. But this one is for Victoria Agu AKA Chi Chi because well she requested one and frankly I'd rather write this than read for my seminar. LEGGO.

Feeling particularly impressed with myself after catching a cashew nut between my legs. THIGHS SHOULD TOUCH.



It's just practical.
Having said that I feel I am getting crazy fat now. Like before when I was a size 12 all I would get is “Saalene… Why you so fat huh? You’ll never get a decent husband if you are fat.” Because in brown people circles the intellect, earnings per annum after tax and likelihood of decent hair in a future spouse is dependant on the size of your waist. But now at a not so atrocious size 18 – 16 – 18 – 20 I feel that I need to at least lose a little bit of belly. For my own sake. The boobs can stay and well the bum is not all that impressive so we’ll just ignore it but the belly. Oh the belly. It needs to go and I need to push it.

**********

"I can jump start a car. I am very proud of this fact and will tell anyone who will give me an opportunity to"
I mean it. I'm just taking this as another oppurunity to announce it to the world. And where better than the world wide web. By the by I can jump start a car. But I cannot drive one. This is anopther point I feel I should make very clear...


**********

"So are you a leg, bum or boob guy?"
"Actually don't answer that. Do I LOOK like a bucket of KFC?"
I don't get it. I've had many an arguement with guys about this oh prestigious of questions. I mean there was one occasion where I aaked one of the guys from uni whether he preferred larger breasts on his women, a shapely behind or whether he prefers ladies with lovely legs. He couldn't answer. He was adamant he wanted both. He's also adamant that the only girl is some actress or musician who I regret to say I can't remember. Well I wasnt really listening at this point. I mean you try listening to someone who doesn't understand the meaning of the word PREFER I will never understand people like that. Why do they go out of their way to avoid answering such a flippant question. You could say it's the objectification of women but ladies don't act like you don't do the same with men. It's a two way street. By the way my answer is bum. I aspire to have a big ol' booty someday. Maybe when I can afford to get that lipo I want so much and then pay them to REINSERT that fat back in my bum bum. I'M ALL ABOUT RECYCLING>


**********

I can't believe this is true. According to my little brother someone wrote this in their R.E exam...
"What is celibacy?"
"A pokemon."

That's just funny. Kids are just getting thicker and thicker. It's a sad truth.


**********

And so it is.

My time at Lush is now over. I have in spite of what I may have stated earlier in the festive season - really enjoyed my Christmas holidays. I've met some really cool people. And some not so cool ones. Mostly young customers. Spawn of the devil to different degrees as I recall.

The top three include:
- the two kids who didn't know each other but decided in unison to refuse to let go of a bath bomb in the demo bowl and thus turning both of their hands blue, leaving me to scrub their hands for a half hour only to have the cheeky sod ask me for some moisturiser after.

- the aptly named "Cannibal Child" who just KEPT biting her dad's hand to the point she almost broke the skin. I mean first of all WHY IS YOUR CHILD DOING THAT? And secondly WHY ARE YOU NOT SAYING ANYTHING? Don't chuckle. Don't smile a painful smile and pretend there's nothing to be done. TELL HER OFF. The same kid also dipped her hand into a jug of bubbles and then wiped it all on some other poor unsuspecting shopper who I assume she thought was her mother. I'm only assuming this to give the brat SOME credit. To be honest it could be that she has no concept of boundaries.

- and last but not least my favourite-not-so-favourite little bastard child. So this family come in. Mum, dad, girl - maybe 12 or 13 and boy maybe 7 or 8. And we're looking at all the lovely fresh face masks (PLUG PLUG PLUG). Mum says to girl "You can get one if you want." but she storms off. I don't understand why. But when you read on you'll soon realise there's no real point in looking too much into anything this despicable little shit does. So a few minutes later the boy comes back and his eye is all red. I ask him if he's okay and he just looks down at the ground and says nothing. His dad walks in and announces to his wife that her daughter has just sprayed perfume in her brother's eye. THE WORST THING IS SHE DIDN'T SHOW ANY CARE. No angry protesting of her innocence, no offer of an excuse, not even any sort of guilt.

What is this? Why are kids allowed to act like this. I mean some of it is just kids being kids - making mistakes and messes. But some of it is just a dire need for some real discipline. I'm not saying hit them - but I'm telling you now if that little cannibal bitch bit me I'd smack her into next week - but seriously, TELL THEM OFF. FOR THE SAKE OF THE REST OF HUMANITY!

That is all.

The akward moment when...

... someone you know genuinely believes they coined a hairstyle or a way of doing their eyeliner. And therefore no one else could possibly even think of tying their hair up in that way. Or putting a certain kind of flick on their eyeliner. Or wearing a certain shade of lipstick.. (I know I said something not so lovely about a girl wearing Mac's Ruby Woo lipstick the other day but I didn't say it the sense that I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WEAR IT ARRRGH IT'S MINE but more in a "Oh damn. That's just nasty...."

I do like it though. And encourage others to try it. It's awesome. Just don't slather it on like there's some kinda mystical relationship where the amount on your face is directly proportional to the amount of guys you want on your face....

When I grow up...

I don't care for being famous. Or being a star. Or being in movies.

I JUST WANNA FEEL LIKE A PIMP.

I blame 50 Cent.

You motherlovers are gonna LOVE this.

Am I the only one who didn't know about this ASOS Market place shizz? IF SO... WHY WASN'T I INFORMED?

I just stumbled across it as I was searching for a Kanye tee. Which I going back to H&M to hunt down because it hurts my heart to think I can't get Kanye on my chest even if I have to pay for it...

BUT YEAH. Check out these gems!

https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/ay-gal-wa-appen-baby/156406

https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/debbie-harry-blondie-faded-black-new-graphic-t-shirt-unisex/155655

https://marketplace.asos.com/listing/t-shirts/droplet-face-t-shirt/105969


I do love me a lickle bit of a treasure hunt!